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I'd Rather Be in Texas

By® Staff

Originally Posted

Dan Rather, anchor and managing editor of the "CBS Evening News," was born (1931) and educated (?) in Texas, and is a Texanian all the way. A master of the country homily, Rather delivered what Jay Leno called "The 'Hee-Haw' Election Update" on election night:

  • "No question now, that Kerry's rapidly reaching the point where he's got his back to the wall, his shirttail is on fire, and the bill collector's at the door."

  • "George Bush is sweeping through the Midwest now like a big combine."

  • "His lead is as thin as turnip soup."

  • "In southern states, they beat him like a rented mule."

  • "The vote's been close as Lassie and Timmy there, all night long."

  • "Where the Democrats almost absolutely, positively, teetotally must have that race. It's been out there a long time."

  • "If you try to read the tea leaves before the cup is done, you can get yourself burned."<'p>

Bettin' the double-wide

  • "And, if you had to bet the double-wide, right now you'd have to bet that he wins."

  • "If you've been tuning in and out, or you put the baby to bed, or if you went to pop the cap on an adult or otherwise beverage ..."

  • To colleague Bob Schieffer, who isn't afraid of an aphorism his-ownself: "But that's in the category you and I used to say, 'If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun.'" Schieffer: "And then he wouldn't be afraid of blacksnakes."

  • "I know that you'd rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit ..."

  • "We had a slight hitch in our giddyap earlier, with a little glitch in the computer."

  • "It's been out there for a long time. Is that making your fingernails sweat?"

'Hotter than a Times Square Rolex'

  • "This race is hotter than a Times Square Rolex, and it has been all night long."

  • "We don't know whether to wind our watch or bark at the moon or what to do here."

And, from WUSA, Daniel Kurtzman, and others:

  • "Don't taunt the alligator until after you have crossed the creek."

  • "George Bush is sweeping through the South like a big wheel through a cotton field."

  • "Looky here -– whoo-boy -– at Florida."

  • "This presidential race is hotter than the Devil's anvil."

'Takes a lot of money just to get beat'

  • "Politics has gotten so expensive it takes a lot of money just to get beat."

  • "George Bush's lead is as thin as November ice."

  • "Never gamble with strangers, and never vote against a Republican in Kansas."

  • "Shaker than cafeteria Jell-O."

  • "These returns are running like a squirrel in a cage."

  • "This race is as hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach."

  • "We've lived by the crystal ball, we're eating so much broken glass. We're in critical condition."

  • "This presidential race has been crackling like a hickory fire for at least the last hour and a half."

  • "You look at the map and say it's all a big Bush victory. But this is one time when your mother is right: 'Looks can be deceiving.'"

'Give an aspirin a headache'

  • "The situation in Ohio would give an aspirin a headache."

  • "Keep in mind they are teetotally, meet-mortally convinced they have Ohio won."

  • "This race is humming along like Ray Charles."

  • "The presidential race is swinging like Count Basie."

  • "John Kerry's moon has just moved behind a cloud, as far as Florida is concerned."

  • "John Kerry needs something on the order of a 55- or 60-yard field goal to win this."

  • "To use a metaphor, he's gotta draw to an inside straight. But hey, sometimes you get lucky and hit that straight."

  • "President Bush smiling there with his family. He's laid down aces so far."

  • "You can almost hear the GOP [deep breathing sound]. We're getting within maybe smelling distance."

  • "Do you hear that knocking? President Bush's re-election is at the door."

We would love to go on and on – indeed, Dan did – but we have to stop somewhere. And this about sums it up:

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), on being congratulated on victory by Rather: "Thanks Dan, I always believe you."

Rather: "Now, ladies and gentleman, if you believe that, you'll believe rocks can grow."

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