News Munchies
I'd Rather Be in Texas
Originally Posted
Updated
Dan Rather, anchor and managing editor of the "CBS Evening News," was born (1931) and educated (?) in Texas, and is a Texanian all the way. A master of the country homily, Rather delivered what Jay Leno called "The 'Hee-Haw' Election Update" on election night:
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"No question now, that Kerry's rapidly reaching the point where he's got his back to the wall, his shirttail is on fire, and the bill collector's at the door."
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"George Bush is sweeping through the Midwest now like a big combine."
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"His lead is as thin as turnip soup."
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"In southern states, they beat him like a rented mule."
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"The vote's been close as Lassie and Timmy there, all night long."
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"Where the Democrats almost absolutely, positively, teetotally must have that race. It's been out there a long time."
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"If you try to read the tea leaves before the cup is done, you can get yourself burned."<'p>
Bettin' the double-wide
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"And, if you had to bet the double-wide, right now you'd have to bet that he wins."
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"If you've been tuning in and out, or you put the baby to bed, or if you went to pop the cap on an adult or otherwise beverage ..."
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To colleague Bob Schieffer, who isn't afraid of an aphorism his-ownself: "But that's in the category you and I used to say, 'If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun.'" Schieffer: "And then he wouldn't be afraid of blacksnakes."
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"I know that you'd rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit ..."
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"We had a slight hitch in our giddyap earlier, with a little glitch in the computer."
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"It's been out there for a long time. Is that making your fingernails sweat?"
'Hotter than a Times Square Rolex'
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"This race is hotter than a Times Square Rolex, and it has been all night long."
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"We don't know whether to wind our watch or bark at the moon or what to do here."
And, from WUSA, Daniel Kurtzman, and others:
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"Don't taunt the alligator until after you have crossed the creek."
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"George Bush is sweeping through the South like a big wheel through a cotton field."
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"Looky here -– whoo-boy -– at Florida."
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"This presidential race is hotter than the Devil's anvil."
'Takes a lot of money just to get beat'
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"Politics has gotten so expensive it takes a lot of money just to get beat."
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"George Bush's lead is as thin as November ice."
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"Never gamble with strangers, and never vote against a Republican in Kansas."
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"Shaker than cafeteria Jell-O."
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"These returns are running like a squirrel in a cage."
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"This race is as hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach."
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"We've lived by the crystal ball, we're eating so much broken glass. We're in critical condition."
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"This presidential race has been crackling like a hickory fire for at least the last hour and a half."
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"You look at the map and say it's all a big Bush victory. But this is one time when your mother is right: 'Looks can be deceiving.'"
'Give an aspirin a headache'
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"The situation in Ohio would give an aspirin a headache."
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"Keep in mind they are teetotally, meet-mortally convinced they have Ohio won."
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"This race is humming along like Ray Charles."
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"The presidential race is swinging like Count Basie."
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"John Kerry's moon has just moved behind a cloud, as far as Florida is concerned."
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"John Kerry needs something on the order of a 55- or 60-yard field goal to win this."
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"To use a metaphor, he's gotta draw to an inside straight. But hey, sometimes you get lucky and hit that straight."
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"President Bush smiling there with his family. He's laid down aces so far."
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"You can almost hear the GOP [deep breathing sound]. We're getting within maybe smelling distance."
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"Do you hear that knocking? President Bush's re-election is at the door."
We would love to go on and on – indeed, Dan did – but we have to stop somewhere. And this about sums it up:
Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), on being congratulated on victory by Rather: "Thanks Dan, I always believe you."
Rather: "Now, ladies and gentleman, if you believe that, you'll believe rocks can grow." 